In an ideal relationship, two people would work to ensure they contribute to the overall well-being of the relationship and to their partner’s happiness and personal fulfillment. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
A one-sided relationship is one in which one person contributes more effort, finances, time, energy, or emotional commitment to the relationship than their partner. This type of relationship can feel very imbalanced for the person who is in the position of providing yet not receiving the benefits of the relationship.
If I had to identify one issue that I have consistently found as being the problem in past relationships it is that I put in a great deal of effort and the woman I dated did not. This is not a healthy wat to maintain a relationship and lead me to resentment in every instance.
The Beneficiary of a One-Sided Relationship
The most important part of a relationship is understanding how your partner feels. So, let’s start discussing a one-sided relationship with the receiver of the benefits. This type of relationship is great for the person who does not provide. They tend to be very happy and think the relationship is going well. That was the experience I found in these types of relationships.
I have dated several women who did not contribute enough, and they always seemed very surprised when we broke up as if they had never seen it coming. The reason is that they didn’t. One woman I dated said, “It’s like we are living in two different realities.”
She was right. We were living in two different realities. She saw that I was putting in a great deal of effort, often taking care of her needs and doing nice things for her. She then associated my doing nice things for her with the idea that I was happy with her in the relationship.
The truth is the more nice things I did for her, the less I liked her because she never did enough back. This type of imbalance created deep resentment within me. I got to the point where I would predict in my head that she would do something neglectful or forget to do something I asked her to do, and I was consistently right. One example was that I was moving, and I expected that she wouldn’t offer to help, and I was, of course, right. She did not help pack a single thing.
“It’s like we are living in two different realities.”
The beneficiary of the one-sided relationship probably does not recognize the two realities. This is why they are content proceeding without contributing. And if they do see it then it’s far worse than I thought. Most likely, they have no idea that while they are sitting down relaxing on the couch, the other person is cleaning and feeling slighted.
The packing thing happened to me twice, in fact, with two different women. Of course, I am not expecting my girlfriend to carry heavy boxes or move furniture, but she should offer to help. She can wrap glasses in paper or bubble wrap; it doesn’t matter, but she should contribute.
Confronting the Beneficiary
As I said, I dated two women who neglected to offer to help me pack when I was moving. I think of movies where a man is working, and the woman brings him lemonade; they didn’t even do that.
The first one was Cat. With her, it was straightforward: I was packing while she lay in bed playing with her phone. She eventually left without offering any support of any kind. This breaking point came after a stressful relationship where I had to tell her that people are supposed to say thank you after someone buys them dinner. I do not want to give the impression this was the one thing she missed. I had to teach her to say thank you and basic manners. Also, I have another post on When someone Does Not Say Thank You After Buying Them Dinner.
Later that day, I went to Cat’s apartment and told her it was time we stopped seeing each other. She was angry, shocked, offended, and threw me out of her apartment. I even offered her a hug goodbye, and she slammed the door in my face. I think people who do not contribute to a relationship are probably going to be surprised when the provider wants out. It’s been my experience.
The second girl that did not offer to help me pack was Lia. She was a much more complicated person because her words and speech were much kinder. She knew how to say thank you and give the occasional kind words or compliments, but she typically fell short when it came to action. She and I dated for over a year, and I often told her about my concerns. She was the one who said we live in two realities. Lia would always apologize, admit fault, and say she would improve, but there was little action to actually make changes, and the action she did take often fell short or suffered from too little too late.
In the case of Lia, we got to the point of constantly fighting where we were both happy to get out of the relationship. The greatest lesson I learned here was that for all the apologies and kind words, she did not do enough to change her actions. People’s actions are what matters. That shows you who they really are.
The Results of Not Providing Support in a Relationship
In a Study performed by Diana Wang and Tara Gruenewald on “The Psychological Costs of Social Support Imbalanc,e” they found some rather obvious results. The first is that being supported makes you feel better: “Greater perceptions of received support were associated with more favorable levels of all forms of psychological well-being examined (higher positive affect, lower anxiety, depression, and stress) in all relationships.” The second was that not being supported makes you feel worse “Under-benefiting in social exchanges predicts less favorable well-being compared to balance in all relationships”.
The results of being in an imbalanced relationship were simple for me. It lowered my opinion of the woman I was dating and resulted in me feeling resentment. In retrospect I think I should have broken up with Kat and Lia much earlier but I did not.
Something People Miss About Giving
Everyone understands the benefits of receiving, which are more obvious and quantifiable. What we do not often think about are the benefits of giving in a relationship.
There is some great research by Sara Konrath and Stephanie Brown that looks at the benefits of giving to others. They found that providing time and money, doing errands, and providing emotional support to friends and family were associated with higher levels of happiness, self-esteem, and decreased feelings of loneliness for the provider of the support. This result is the most important piece of information I can give you. It is good for you to do good things for others, but it is bad for you if they do not reciprocate. This fact is why a healthy relationship involves two people providing benefits to each other.
What to Do if You are in an Asymmetrical Relationship
If you are in a relationship where you provide a great deal more support to the other person than they provide to you I think you should start by identifying and addressing the issue with a serious discussion. After that you should look for signs of improvement. I tried this with Lia, and it helped a little, but not enough. At the end of the day, we should have broken up much earlier.
For me, being in an imbalanced or one-sided relationship was not remotely worth the effort I put into it. I regret being in those relationships and wish I had ended them sooner. At the end of the day, we all learn from our mistakes and hope to do better next time.
There are plenty of men and women out there who believe in balancing relationships with consistent effort. Just because I dated a few women who did not live by that rule does not mean it’s time to give up. There will be someone out there. The key is to find them and be ready to receive them in your life.
